If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
Practicing safe sax
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year