ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
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god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
May never get over this
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂