If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
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Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
can’t bark with your mouth full
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
Stop.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight