Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
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I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.