My grocery list:
1. Don’t run into anyone you know
*texts with friends*
Me: sorry I was busy what’s up?
Friend: I sent that 8 months ago
When the wrong number texts me
Statistically humans have sex 104 times a year.
This is about to be a very wild 12 days.
Is corn the only vegetable that’s better exploded?
WHAT ARE YOU EATING AND HOW CAN I HELP?
It’s almost 2018 and laser eye surgery still doesn’t mean what I want it to
Guy at a bar: wanna come back to my place?
Me: *elaborate excuse*
Guy: did you just say elaborate excuse?