*texts with friends*

Friend: hey

Me: sorry I was busy what’s up?

Friend: I sent that 8 months ago


Statistically humans have sex 104 times a year.

This is about to be a very wild 12 days.


It’s almost 2018 and laser eye surgery still doesn’t mean what I want it to


Guy at a bar: wanna come back to my place?

Me: *elaborate excuse*

Guy: did you just say elaborate excuse?