Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
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[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Weirdos gonna weird.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh