this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
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me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
White Castle for the Win
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no