[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work