Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
You Might Also Like
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything