Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
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I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah