My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
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If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.