If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”