MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
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My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
Worth the read.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?