wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
*goes back to sleep*
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.