@JB4Realz: [arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I'm gonna go wait in the car.

@JB4Realz: [FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She'll have the veal.

@JB4Realz: ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?

ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn't count on it.

ME: I know. How about Friday?

@JB4Realz: me: yeah, i'm into fitness...fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.

executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?

@JB4Realz: [giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you...
wife: honey, it's fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i'm moving mine down.

@JB4Realz: waiter: our special is only $7.99

mechanic: i'm a mechanic.

[seconds later]

waiter: my guys in the back're telling me the special's actually going to be about $235 and some change.

mechanic: that's too much.

waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they've already started on it.

@JB4Realz: I like cocaine as much as the next guy.
[Looks at next guy, sees it's James Woods]
Um, I like cocaine just a little less than the next guy.

@JB4Realz: ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself "who saved who?"

DOG: We've been over this...it's "Who saved 'whom'."

@JB4Realz: It all started when I realized that we didn't call whiskers on rodents "mouse-taches"

THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o'clock.