Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of JB4Realz's best tweets

@JB4Realz : [giraffe party] me: see?! i told you... wife: honey, it's fine. me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i'm moving mine down.

@JB4Realz: waiter: our special is only $7.99

mechanic: i'm a mechanic.

[seconds later]

waiter: my guys in the back're telling me the special's actually going to be about $235 and some change.

mechanic: that's too much.

waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they've already started on it.

@JB4Realz: I like cocaine as much as the next guy.
[Looks at next guy, sees it's James Woods]
Um, I like cocaine just a little less than the next guy.

@JB4Realz: ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself "who saved who?"

DOG: We've been over this...it's "Who saved 'whom'."

@JB4Realz: It all started when I realized that we didn't call whiskers on rodents "mouse-taches"

THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o'clock.

@JB4Realz: [Snake Owners Club]

Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.

[Me & like 3 other guys leave]

@JB4Realz: Copy Editor is a rewording career.

@JB4Realz: INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I'm unemployed.

@JB4Realz: WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for "Identical".

ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.

@JB4Realz: HER: I'm leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
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