@JB4Realz: waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i'm a mechanic.
waiter: my guys in the back're telling me the special's actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that's too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they've already started on it.
@JB4Realz: I like cocaine as much as the next guy.
[Looks at next guy, sees it's James Woods]
Um, I like cocaine just a little less than the next guy.
@JB4Realz: ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself "who saved who?"
DOG: We've been over this...it's "Who saved 'whom'."
@JB4Realz: It all started when I realized that we didn't call whiskers on rodents "mouse-taches"
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o'clock.
@JB4Realz: [Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
@JB4Realz: INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I'm unemployed.
@JB4Realz: WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for "Identical".
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
@JB4Realz: HER: I'm leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*