@JB4Realz

wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.

me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*

wife: that’s better.

me: *puts on formal hulk hands*

@JB4Realz

me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.

subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.

@JB4Realz

government: let’s reopen stuff.

public: ummmm…

guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…

@JB4Realz

*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*

@JB4Realz

[first day as chinese police officer]

me: guys…it happened again.

[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…

@JB4Realz

surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*

@JB4Realz

Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.

They have a budget of $430,000…

@JB4Realz

me: my cup runneth over…

sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.

@JB4Realz

[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.