welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.