Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
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Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Skills
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
do horses think humans are hats
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here