Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
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No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
I’d … I’d rather not.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.