Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
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Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
God has left this place
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
I found your tweet-up…
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍