@JElvisWeinstein

They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”

@JElvisWeinstein

I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.

@JElvisWeinstein

My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.

@JElvisWeinstein

Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.

@JElvisWeinstein

“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother

@JElvisWeinstein

People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.

@JElvisWeinstein

“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.

@JElvisWeinstein

The nicotine patch is great. I get my addiction out of the hands of the evil tobacco industry and into the loving arms of big pharma.