When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
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Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.