HR: You put that you were the branch manager…
Me: *empties pocket of sticks* Next question…
Your pronunciation of the word surreal is why I have trust issues.
*puts away bowl and spoon
I like to assert dominance on elevators by facing everyone and doing subtle hip thrusts.
Personal Jesus is my favourite song about people who try to hoard little baby Jesus.
The perks of being single:
* not having to share the remote
* sleeping diagonal in bed
* never having to clear browser history
*pours heart out*
Weigh me now
What!? You didn’t say crust fund?
*awkwardly gathers pizza crusts*
It’s amazing when you hug someone you haven’t seen in decades. It’s also embarrassing when it’s not the person you thought it was.
*takes big toke of joint*
Waitress: Sir… that’s a burrito.
*touches your nose*
*touches your mouth*
*touches your forehead*
Them: Why are you touching me?
Me: Gotta be a mute button somewhere