@JKickinit30

[job interview]

HR: You put that you were the branch manager…

Me: *empties pocket of sticks* Next question…

@JKickinit30

Your pronunciation of the word surreal is why I have trust issues.

*puts away bowl and spoon

@JKickinit30

I like to assert dominance on elevators by facing everyone and doing subtle hip thrusts.

@JKickinit30

Personal Jesus is my favourite song about people who try to hoard little baby Jesus.

@JKickinit30

The perks of being single:
* not having to share the remote
* sleeping diagonal in bed
* never having to clear browser history

@JKickinit30

What!? You didn’t say crust fund?

*awkwardly gathers pizza crusts*

@JKickinit30

It’s amazing when you hug someone you haven’t seen in decades. It’s also embarrassing when it’s not the person you thought it was.

@JKickinit30

*takes big toke of joint*

Waitress: Sir… that’s a burrito.

@JKickinit30

*touches your nose*
*touches your mouth*
*touches your forehead*

Them: Why are you touching me?

Me: Gotta be a mute button somewhere