*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
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With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
witch 1: i can鈥檛 find my broom
witch 2: that鈥檚 fine i can drive a stick
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Skills
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don鈥檛 get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I鈥檓 just getting out to see her get bit!
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
hmmm
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 馃槀
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it鈥檚 because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can鈥檛 make this stuff up people
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
I wish this was real life…
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.