GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
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[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
relationship goals
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…