Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
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you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]