Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.
End of list
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.