@JPLFR80

People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me

@JPLFR80

Who do I have to marry to get a girlfriend around here

@JPLFR80

Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.

@JPLFR80

All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.

@JPLFR80

I have the nose of a pregnant woman and the stomach of a much further along pregnant woman.

@JPLFR80

Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah

*20 minutes later

Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭

@JPLFR80

Someone stole my credit card. Thanks for all the miles, sucker

@JPLFR80

Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…