People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Who do I have to marry to get a girlfriend around here
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
I have the nose of a pregnant woman and the stomach of a much further along pregnant woman.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah
*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
Someone stole my credit card. Thanks for all the miles, sucker
My patronus is a cheeseburger
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
People who are bad at hiding, I see you