@JPLFR80

Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up

@JPLFR80

I just had a near death experience

Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT

@JPLFR80

Pessimist: it’s half empty

Optimist: it’s half full

Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?

@JPLFR80

Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.

@JPLFR80

People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.

@JPLFR80

How to be a beautiful woman*:

– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws

*Awesome dragon

@JPLFR80

Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!

@JPLFR80

Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.

Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM

@JPLFR80

Reasons to not eat cookies:

– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.

End of list

@JPLFR80

“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.