We told you to stop at 2012
– the mayans
If you sleep naked, you shower in your pajamas send tweet
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes