Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
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It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
The options really are this bad
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks