Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
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Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.