Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
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Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
S/o to @funTweeters .
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.