@jabba_jabba_jaw

Me: But God, where did the second set of footprints go?

God: That’s when you were dating that psycho. I wasn’t sticking around for that.

@jabba_jabba_jaw

Hug your children. Hug your friends and family. Hug the cashier at Chipotle. Hug someone else’s children. Hug the arresting officer.

@Jabba_Jabba_Jaw

Me to Dr: I have no energy lately.
Dr: you need to exercise more
Me:…
Dr:…
Me: Let’s start this again.

@Jabba_Jabba_Jaw

You can insult anyone you want, as long as you end the sentence with “but in a good way”.

@Jabba_Jabba_Jaw

“I’ll shave whoever I want! I’ll shave you, I’ll shave her! I’ll shave a goddamn baby if need be!”

Sean Connery, boasting about his heroism