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I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
Fights fire with marshmallows
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me