Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
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My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Generation gap…
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses