I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
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If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.