The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
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If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.