can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
You Might Also Like
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
Smells like a challenge to me
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.