Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
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it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently