HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
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I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.