Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.