For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
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I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.