What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
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[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
happy mother’s day❤️
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
What about second breakfast?
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.