I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
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Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
An odd boast
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Support your local cemetery
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
Grow up never but we old may grow we
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.