I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
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Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Miscakes
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho