I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
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At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
God has left this place
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER