“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
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According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
Best seat on the street 😍
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.