@Jandalize

I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.

@Jandalize

Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?

@Jandalize

If I had two brownies, I’d give you one

little corner off of one

@Jandalize

I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.

@Jandalize

I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.

@Jandalize

Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.

@Jandalize

Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.

@Jandalize

Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.

@Jandalize

Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.

@Jandalize

I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.