I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.