peep davidson
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Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
He just like my cat fr
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me