I’m only drinking a lot of beer tonight because I need the room in the fridge.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.