I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
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just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
getting old is fun
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut