1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.