Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
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I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.