me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!