@JasonNotEvil

me: the clogged sink is over here

plumber: (crawls under sink)

me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no

@JasonNotEvil

Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation

@JasonNotEvil

Breakfast: Banana Bread

Lunch: Orange Creamsicle

Dinner: Carrot Cake

Vegetarianism is hard.

@JasonNotEvil

[ad for florist]

Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?

@JasonNotEvil

Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?

Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.

Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!