me: miss you, love you, wish you were here
pizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
me at a party:
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
*repeat for duration of party*
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
*go back once more*
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Me: Children are the future
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.