@JasonNotEvil

[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were here

pizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less

@JasonNotEvil

me at a party:

*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*

@JasonNotEvil

Pescaterian: eats fish

Pestcaterian: eats insects

Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character

@JasonNotEvil

Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?

Her: He’s a paramedic.

@JasonNotEvil

Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?

Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list

Agency:

Me: Children are the future

@JasonNotEvil

Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.

Them: Going camping?

Me: Nope

@JasonNotEvil

Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…

Prince William: Definitely not racistly!

@JasonNotEvil

Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.

Her: OMG I love The Rock.

Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?

@JasonNotEvil

Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!

Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.

Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..

Uh oh…..

@JasonNotEvil

My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.