Snoop: Murder was the case that they gave me.
Me: oh, mine was public urination, so same
I used to schedule naps, but now they’re little surprise parties my body throws at all hours of the day
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip